Scene: London, England. Red double-decker buses, cheerful British bobbies and some girls in miniskirts, all left over from the swinging sixties, pass in the background. Our narrator, Wombat, lowers her pint of warm beer, raises her microphone and speaks to the assembled audience of Sentinel slash fans.
'The more confused among you may sometimes wonder as you skim the Sentinel Slash archives - exactly what kind of Sentinel slash story am I reading? I admit to being extremely confused when the first Senslash story I ever read was one where Blair turned out to be some kind of evil government agent assigned to kidnap Jim, who spent most of the rest of the story under heavy sedation and in five point restraints having hideous experiments carried out on him. Not having ever seen the actual programme this left me in a state of great puzzlement, similar to the kind of thing a novice X-files slasher must have felt upon tuning into the genre in the middle of the now notorious eggbeater challenge. ("So all X-files slash has to be five hundred words long? And Mulder always has to put the eggbeater... that's disgusting!") This was also particularly confusing to me, since over here in sunny England eggbeaters usually have two whisks and a kind of complicated gear attachment at the top, which also made it to all intents and purposes physically impossible, or at the very least extremely painful. Not to mention unhygienic, although that probably goes without saying. But I digress...
'The opportunities for confusion in fanfic are boundless. It was as I was reading the Cosmo quiz that the solution came to me (and before you ask, yes, I do put my work before my man, and the Spice Girl I am most like is the one with all the hair.) So, here, without further ado, is the answer to all my, and I hope your, Sentinel fanfic problems:
The Great Sentinel Slash Fiction Multiple Choice Quiz
Another Public Service from the Dungeons of Fanfic (Slash Division)
Please ring or tick one answer for each of the following. Count the number of times you have marked each letter. Then check the handy key at the end of this quiz to find out what kind of Sentinel Slash you're reading. Hell, you guys know the drill. It's not like you've never filled out one of these quizzes before. You even see nuns doing them, although probably not the ones about are you a tiger or a pussy cat in bed.
1) Location. The bulk of the story is set in:
a) The loft or Jim's office. Sometimes the guys go out shopping, go to nice restaurants or chase bad guys down in abandoned buildings. There is also the occasional alley for having shoot-outs in.
b) The bedroom, a run-down motel, the back seat of Jim's truck, quiet forest glades which rarely stay that way for long.
c) On board the Titanic, in the Peruvian jungle, in the Court of Queen Elizabeth I, in Victorian London. Anywhere, really, except the version of late 20th century Cascade where Jim is a cop and Blair is an anthropologist.
d) The ER, the intensive care ward, the therapist's office, prison visiting room.
e) Sitting in the back row of the movies on a Saturday night, under the boardwalk, living it up between the moon and New York City, sweet home Chicago, on a blanket on the ground, 24 hours from Tulsa, back on the chain gang etc. etc.
2) Obstacles to True Love include:
a) Blair loves Jim, but thinks he is straight. And vice versa. Maybe there's a girlfriend kicking around somewhere, but she ain't going to be kicking around for long.
b) Obstacles? What obstacles?
c) The Titanic sinks. World War I/II/III breaks out. A rival tribe/the Spanish/the Nazis/ Aliens invade. Jim and Blair live on different continents and have never actually met.
d) The fact that Jim has beaten Blair up in a jealous/drunken/homophobic rage and put him in hospital doesn't help. Then there's Blair's unhappy childhood and Jim's miserable time in the army. And the time when Jim's dad shot his dog. Maybe they could have worked things out if that psychopath hadn't kidnapped Blair in the middle of his therapy. Was that a question at the back? Yes, funnily enough the psychopath did used to date Blair's mom.
e) A devil woman with evil on her mind. Any principle character waking up one morning to find that either his woman is dead (see also Walter Skinner from the X-files) or his girlfriend is in a coma. Characters can't get no satisfaction or have the blues real bad.
3) The guys at the station react by:
a) Being supportive, but not remotely surprised by the revelation that Jim and Blair were meant for each other. Usually, they will have known long before either of the guys. Often there will be an office pool - for some reason, Simon never wins this.
b) Taking their clothes off and joining in.
c) There isn't a station as such, but Jim and Blair's fellow pirates, tribesmen, starship troopers or whatever will be just as supportive (and unsurprised) as the guys in option a).
d) Simon will beat Jim up for beating Blair up. A member of the team with an unresolved crush on Jim/Blair will do his best to rub out or discredit the other partner. Homophobia abounds and Jim or Blair may get beaten up in the station men's room. Jobs will be lost and resignations will abound. Everybody will be miserable (except Cascade's abundant criminal element).
e) Showing the boys some R.E.S.P.E.C.T (But no S.U.R.P.R.I.S.E)
4) Blair's previous experience
a) Some guy he knew in university. Or a commune where his mum was staying, possibly. Has "done it" a couple of times, but it was years ago, honest.
b) Everyone on his course at university. And all their friends. And most of their families and pets.
c) When not sailing the Spanish main or the depths of deep space, Blair has had a colourful past involving work as a stripper / telephone sex operator / professional dominatrix.
d) Has been in a number of miserable and abusive relationships. May have hustled in order to pay rent / tuition fees / granny's medical costs and now hopes Jim is never going to find out about it. Some hope. Anyway, all this is probably the reason why Blair is a miserable, permanently depressed wreck who cries all the time. In fact... hey, wait a minute! That's not Blair! What have they done with Blair?!
e) Mistakes? I've made a few. But then again, too few to mention.
5) Jim's previous experience
a) Some guy he knew in the army. Or a member of his college football team, possibly. Experience limited to the occasional blow job in the shower, and it was years ago, honest.
b) Everyone in his unit in the army. And his college football team. And everyone in Vice. And all their friends. And most of their families and pets.
c) When not sailing the Spanish main or the depths of deep space, Jim has had a deeply boring past in which he slept with some guy he knew in the army or a member of his college football team, possibly. Blair's the only one who gets exotic secrets in his past. You should know that by now. How long have you been reading this stuff anyway?
d) Has been in a number of miserable and abusive relationships. This is probably because everybody in his entire family hated everybody else. Even his pet hamster used to bite him, which is why he owns so many guns and is incredibly violent, homophobic and emotionally unstable. In fact... hey, wait a minute, that's not Jim! Who is this guy? Does anybody know who this guy is?
e) Constant Craving.
6) Other characters present include
a) The soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend, either the one so incredibly irritating that she gets dropped like a hot potato or the one who is so empathic and understanding that she does everything she can to get Jim and Blair together. Blair's mother. Blair's gay friend from university. Jim's old army buddy. The bad guy of the week (also soon to be ex).
b) Other characters? What other characters? Ok, maybe the occasional casual pickup in a bar - the one that either gets thrown out or involved in a steamy threesome as soon as the other partner arrives on the scene. Otherwise, with the action stuck in the bedroom for 98% of the time, there isn't a lot of opportunity for the guys to meet people.
c) Depends on the scenario and the imagination of the author. However, will probably include the soon to be ex-girlfriend, Blair's mother, Blair's gay friend, Jim's old buddy and the bad guy of the week, all cunningly transposed to ancient Rome or Jupiter or wherever.
d) Jim or Blair's therapist. Various police officers/prison officials. Lots of nurses and doctors. One or more psychopathic serial killers.
e) The Other Woman, Psycho Killer.
7) Jim is wearing:
a) A shirt, jeans, sleeveless vests, typical undercover cop stuff.
b) As little as possible.
c) Plate mail, leather and chains, a space suit, a sarong, primitive furs - whatever.
d) A grim and unhappy expression.
e) Blue Jeans. Occasionally Camouflage. However tends to spend Nights in White Satin.
8) Blair is wearing
a) Jeans, a t-shirt, typical student gear. Clothing woven by the ethnic Indians of South America. Sometimes he borrows some of Jim's stuff. However, the nipple ring is obligatory. Herbal shampoo also seems to be a constant.
b) As little as possible. Except the nipple ring, obviously.
c) Plate mail, leather and chains, a space suit, a sarong, primitive furs - whatever. Oh yeah, and the nipple ring.
d) Bruises, contusions, plaster casts, an unhappy expression and the nipple ring.
e) A raspberry beret. Otherwise The Full Monty. And the nipple ring. Does Blair actually have a nipple ring? Has anyone seen it?
9) Physical attributes described
a) Jim is smooth, Blair is hairy. Jim likes Blair's hair a lot, while Blair likes Jim's broad, muscled chest. There is usually considerable tongue/nipple ring interaction. Neither Jim or Blair is lacking in the trouser-snake department.
b) Loving descriptions of dangly bits. Clichés include: pebbled nubs, straining shafts, tightly closed buds. Has any of these authors ever seen a tightly closed bud, we ask ourselves? Take my word for it, they don't look like *that*.
c) As a) but with the occasional romantic duelling scar.
d) There will almost certainly be some descriptions of x-rays and medical records which will go into this in great detail.
e) Sexy eyes. Legs.
10) The sex is...
a) Pretty good. Blair is more experienced than Jim except where Jim has spent a lot of time working for Vice. Usually follows this format: Jim and Blair realise that they love each other very much. Jim and Blair decide to have sex. They kiss a lot as they go up the stairs. Clothes get ripped off, although this is not always clearly remembered. Blair almost always ends up on the bed first. Jim almost always gets to be on top, but he is usually nice enough to give Blair a blow-job first. The guys mostly get to come simultaneously. I'm told this always happens in real life too. Stamina is rarely an issue, again just like in real life as I'm sure all the guys out there will be pleased to confirm.
b) By way of being the whole thing
c) Like a) but with costumes. Although they don't usually stay on for long.
d) Nasty, brutish and short. Often non-consensual. Nobody seems to enjoy it very much.
e) Middle of the Road (heh)
11) Jim says:
a) Calls Blair 'Chief' a lot. Complains about the state of the loft.
b) Uhh! Ahh! Oh yeah! Yeah, Chief! Oh yeah! etc. etc.
c) Still calls Blair 'Chief' a lot. Complains about the state of their cabin in the galleon / starship crew quarters / rude tribal hut
d) Calls Blair many politically incorrect names as he throws him out of the loft and beats him up. Will probably beg forgiveness beside the bed of the intensive care unit later. But it's too late, dammit, and he's blown the best thing that ever happened to him in his entire life and killed the only person he's ever really loved! Come on, people, feel that angst!
e) I got you, Babe.
12) Blair says:
a) Calls Jim 'Big Guy' a lot. Complains about Jim's house rules.
b) 'Oh yeah! Oh yeah, big guy! Do it to me, big guy! Yeah, harder! Ahh! Uhh!' etc. etc.
c) Still calls Jim 'Big Guy' a lot. Complains about Jim's cabin / starship crew quarter / tribal hut rules.
d) Doesn't say much - just whimpers a lot.
e) I can't see me loving nobody but you for all my life.
13) How it ends:
a) 'As the stars shone down on their bed, Jim and Blair knew that their love would last until that constant light faded into eternity.'
b) 'As the stars shone down on their bed, Jim and Blair prepared themselves for yet another marathon boffing session.'
c) 'As the stars shone down on their bed, Jim and Blair prepared themselves for another day sailing the Spanish Main/boldly going where no man had gone before/fighting the evil Romans/alone on their desert island.'
d) Jim goes on a murderous rampage and is shot by Simon. Blair, if not dead, spends the rest of his life being miserable and blaming himself. Everybody is miserable, and the guys rarely, if ever, end up together.
e) Breakfast in America.
14) The Spice Girl I am most like is:
a) The one with all the hair. And the leopardskin catsuit. She wears platform soles a lot.
b) The blonde one who thinks she's cute and wears all those really short dresses.
c) The dark-haired one who thinks she's sexy and wears all those other really short dresses.
d) The one who wears tracksuits and trainers and does a lot of karate kicks.
e) The one who isn't a Spice Girl anymore.
Mostly a)
You are reading a bog-standard Sentinel Slash story. The plot can usually be summarised as follows. Jim and Blair both fancy each other like mad, but neither of them has ever dared to do anything about it. This is usually because a) Blair thinks Jim is straight because he's a cop and is afraid of getting thrown out of the loft and b) Jim thinks Blair is straight because he has so many girlfriends and is afraid that Blair will leave if he makes a pass at him. Some crisis occurs (select one or more of the following: Blair gets shot/drugged/kidnapped/dangled from a tall building, Jim/Blair gets a new girlfriend or boyfriend and Blair/Jim is insanely jealous, one of the guys gets drunk and makes a pass at the other, Jim's unrequited longing starts messing with his senses, Blair is offered a professorship at the University of Ulan Bator, Outer Mongolia) and all is revealed. Jim and Blair jump into bed together, boff like bunnies and live (mostly) happily ever after. The end.
Mostly b)
You are reading a PWP, otherwise known as a 'Plot? What Plot?' This can be summarised easily: Jim and Blair jump into bed together and boff like bunnies. Sometimes other people join in, but the boffing like bunnies bit is exactly the same.
Mostly c)
You are in an AU, or alternative universe. These fall into a number of sub-categories:
i) The historical/futuristic alternative universe. The permutations are endless. What if Jim and Blair met up on the Titanic? In the sixties? During the First World War? In Elizabethan England? On the bridge of the Starship Enterprise? In one million years BC?
Jim: Uggh uh uh ugh? (trans.: What this food?)
Blair: That, big guy? It's seaweed. It's macrobiotic, really good for you, man. You have *so* got to cut down on those mammoth steaks.
Jim: Ugh uhh! Ugg uh urgh! (trans.: This food bad! We have sex now!)
Blair: (sighs) Sure thing, big guy. I guess I'll just work on fixing the time machine tomorrow instead.
etc. etc.
ii) The AU set in the present, but with a few, subtle differences e.g. Blair is a vampire; runs his own modelling agency; works for the CIA; has an incredibly successful recording career etc. Jim never escaped from the jungle and now has his own tribe; has been driven nuts by his senses and is on the run and living out of dumpsters (Mulder does this a lot too: nobody quite knows why); is part of a crack commando unit sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit - today, still wanted by the government he survives as a soldier of fortune. etc. etc.
Again, the permutations are almost endless. Includes most crossovers.
iii) The slightly peculiar S&M universe. Often involves Blair explaining to Jim that in order to get his senses under control, (for reasons far too technical to fully explain,) he is going to have to spend six months on a remote tropical island wearing only clothes brought from the Cascade House o' Leatherware and Pet Accessories while calling Blair 'Master' and having his nipples regularly clamped. It is usually surprising how readily Jim agrees to this. Or perhaps not.
Mostly d)
You are reading a story with way too much angst in it. Does one of the principles perform some pointlessly mean, jealous or violent act, apparently solely so that they can spend the rest of the story wallowing in misery and self pity? Does it contain the words 'I know you can never forgive me for what I did?' Is everybody miserable at the end? Does either character put the other in an intensive care ward (or the ER at the very least)? Does either Jim or Blair go on an insane, grief filled rampage and end up being taken out by snipers? Is there a lot of therapy involved? Does somebody die in a totally gratuitous fashion? (yes, Pet Fly, I'm talking to YOU here). If you can answer yet to two or more of these questions, you are reading a story with too much angst in it. A little bit of angst is fine, like adding salt to a well cooked meal. But when you start dumping the salt on by the pound - ugh!
Stories with too much angst in them are best read when you are:
a) a teenager
b) convinced that nobody in the whole world understands you
c) sulking because you've broken up with your boyfriend/argued with your mom
d) still in bed at 11am because getting up is just, like, so pointless.
If you are none of the above but still want to get into these stories, painting the walls of your bedroom black and watching a lot of daytime soaps may help.
Mostly e)
You are reading a story with way too many lyrics in it. Sarah MacLachlan is one of the commonest offenders, with Celine Dion a close runner up. These stories are usually similar to those in a), except that at some point Blair or Jim will get a request to be played on the radio, sing at a Karaoke or blues bar, attend a rock concert or just bung the song in question onto the CD player. This will have one the following results:
a) Jim/Blair will finally realise how much Blair/Jim really means to him.
b) That's it, really.
The debate about lyrics in fanfic continues to rage and no doubt always will. Some people love'em, some people hate 'em, some people just think they're trite. Me, my favourite lyrics are the ones from Land of a Thousand Dances, which go: 'Na, na na na na, na na na na na na na na na, na na na na.' although I have yet to see them successfully used in any slashfic.