-Hold on a minute. Did they just...? Nah. Must have imagined it.

-Imagined what, dear?

-I thought I just saw the Russian one... what's his name? Krycek, that's it. I thought I just saw Krycek kiss Mulder.

-Don't be silly dear. We all know that Mulder really loves Scully, even though at the rate they're going they won't get to second base until they're both well into their forties.

-You're right. All those meaningful glances. That time when he said he was sorry he didn't get her a desk. That time five episodes ago when he gave her a peck on the cheek. That episode during season three when he held her hand for almost a whole ten seconds...

<<Ring! Ring!>>

-Hello? Yes hello Phyllis dear? What? You saw it too? Dear, Phyllis says she saw it too!

-She can't have done. He was probably whispering something in Mulder's ear. Yes, that's it. It just looked as if he was giving him a kiss. They ought to be more careful with their camera angles. And um... their sound effects.

-Phyllis says she's sure it was a kiss, dear.

-Well, um, maybe it was a kiss, but... I know! It was brotherly. One of those Russian things. You probably see it all the time in Russia. They probably stick their tongues down each other's throats at the drop of a hat. Maybe it's how they say hello over there.

-Well if you say so. Dear, isn't Mulder looking rather pale?

-Well, that's easy to explain. It's shock. I mean, he's not used to these Russian customs and Krycek did jump on him rather hard. Maybe he's been injured.

-You know, dear, I think you might be right.

-Of course I'm right. Look, Krycek's loosening Mulder's clothing.

-Isn't it a bit more usual to start off with the collar, dear?

-Well yes, but it all depends where Mulder's been injured. You've got to relieve pressure on the affected area.

-My goodness, it does look sore. All red and swollen.

-There you are, you see. And now Krycek's starting to rub it better. And um... kiss it better. And now he's... he's

-Sucking it better, dear?

<<There are gasps and moans from the television.>>

-Well obviously it's some kind of primitive Russian first aid. Like... like sucking the poison out or something.

-It doesn't seem to be working very well, dear. Mulder's making an awful lot of noise. He sounds quite distressed.

-He's probably wishing Scully was there to look after him. After all, she is a proper doctor, not like that awful Krycek at all.

-That must be it. <<The moans continue. There is the sound of ripping cloth>> Dear, why is Krycek taking all Mulder's clothes off?

-He must be checking for more injuries.

-And now he's taking all his own clothes off too. I wonder why that is.

-Well I guess they're both just very, very hot. Maybe there's something wrong with the air conditioning.

-I'm sure you're right. Wait a minute. Are they.. are they getting into bed, dear?

-*Sigh.* Well *clearly* Mulder's gone into shock because of his injuries and now he has hypothermia. Krycek's putting him to bed and trying to warm him up by transferring body heat. It's obvious when you think about it. <<Sounds of moaning, groaning and thrashing around>> And... and he's *obviously* delerious, which is why he's making so much noise.

-Oh obviously, dear.

-And Krycek's wrestling him into submission.

-Well it certainly seems to be working, dear.

<<Sounds of headboard banging against wall. More moans.>>

-Mark my words, it's all part of some evil plot... Maybe he's drilling another hole in Mulder's head. Look, the comforter is falling off. We'll be able to see what's really happening. Maybe he's... maybe he's... OH MY GOD!!!

-Well I never! Isn't it amazing what they can do with those prosthetic arms these days? Dear? Dear?! Dear, have you taken your pills today? Deep breaths, dear, that's right...

-*Gasp pant gasp...* Ok. Ok. So they're having sex. It must be... it's all a horrible dream. Yes, that must be it...

-Didn't they just have one of those, dear? I think I read on one of the newsgroups that the entire Post Modern Prometheus episode was an allegorical dream sequence stemming from Mulder's subconscious.

-Or.. or, I know, it's symbolic! Mulder and Krycek having sex is symbolic of... um... it'll come to me in a minute, but it's definitely symbolic! Probably of Mulder's pure love for Scully or something...

-I'm sure you're right, dear. <<Sound of more moans, slowly rising to a crescendo>> Gosh! You know dear, I never would have thought of using handcuffs quite like that.

-Or.. or, I know, alien mind control. The aliens have taken over Mulder and they're forcing him to have hot, mindblowing sex with Krycek as part of their plot to colonise the earth! Or maybe they've drugged his water supply again!

-Dear, I think you should go and lie down for a while. I know! I'll keep watching, and I'll tell you if you miss anything.

-But this isn't fair! What about Scully! How could he betray the one true love of his life like this?

-I'm sure there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation, dear. Now you go and have a nice sleep, and I'll keep watching just to find out what it is. And, dear...?

-Yes?

-Dear, did we tape that? Not that I want to watch it over and over and over again or anything..