Since we got thrown out of the royal guard my life has been a bit less luxurious than expected. It has been at least two weeks since I had a good long bath and I'm still wearing spring colours and it is the height of summer. Still, we've been having an exciting time and my mother always said that a proper young lady should keep a diary. Keo laughs at me but I'm going to write down what happens to us so there.
My name is Thrace. I was born in the city of Korona in the Kingdom of Galadiahos. I was employed in the royal guard, part of the red brigade of the Rainbow guard. We were assigned to protect the royal family but we screwed up. Well, Ksep screwed up because he called down the god into the throne room and asked him to sort it all out for us so he did and killed the king and the queen and the prince and left Rodenos in charge. Rodenos doesn't like me much because she thinks I stole her boyfriend once but he liked me better than her and anyway I had a better gown that night. I think that's why Rodenos banished us though it seemed very unfair, especially to Spasmos who is a hero and who didn't have anything to do with it. Neither did any of the rest of us really, it was all Ksep's fault. We weren't going to listen to him any more but we didn't know what to do so we thought we'd hire ourselves out as mercenaries. Ksep thought that probably would be OK though he missed the guards and worries about honour and all that sort of stuff when the really important question is when are we going to get a bath?
Anyway, we got our first job which was very easy because we just had to not fight when the person who thought he was hiring us to fight was expecting us to defend him. Ksep didn't think much of that so we did it without him and it worked, so we got enough to eat. But we'd better not tell Ksep what else we get up to when the money bags are empty because he'd probably not be happy and then he's shout at me and then I'd have to shout at the rest of them because Ksep says I have a louder voice than him. If he finds out what we're doing to keep him in the style in which he's living we'll have to build him another shrine to make him happy and stones are heavy so I don't want to do that.
Anyway, after we got kicked out we wandered up in to the Valley of the Beasts and got attacked by all sorts of horrible things, especially the giant wasps which are revolting. If you get attacked by them you can either charge with all swords whirling if you are a hero like Spasmos or you can sensibly hide underneath your shield like everyone else.
I forgot to say who else was with me and that's probably bad manners so I'd better introduce them. Ksep is a svika and a priest of Keros (who probably thinks we're a lot of ungrateful so-and-so's and he's probably right) and our boss. I think he's had a few too many knocks on his brain-case in training- Svika are very fragile you know! Spasmos is a Kemes and he's our sword master though he swears at me I think I've learned a lot about how to fight from him and I think it is sensible to want a shield to hide behind when you've only got two arms. Treemoss is a Pagoth and he talks to trees and things. I don't think he's mad but I'm not totally sure. He can turn into a plant with creepers and things which is pretty iccky if you ask me. He recruited another member of our unit, a lime tree, but the lime tree can't walk and can only talk to Treemoss so I don't think it'll be very useful. Keo was a bodyguard from some secret thingy I'm not supposed to have heard about but I have and they're called the Berdevo but don't tell anyone. He's quiet and does strange things that I don't think I'll talk about. The last member of our band wasn't a member of the guard, he was a stone mason in the quarry who ran away when we saved the prince from being crushed and thought it was a plot to kill him and tried to arrest all the workers but they sensibly ran away and didn't wait to be arrested. Since it turned out they were all innocent because it was the prince all the time we thought it'd be alright if he joined us. His name is Kopto and I think he's a lot cleverer than he lets on and I think he was probably in charge of the stone masons or something although he won't say so.
Oh, I forgot to put the date too. It is the fourteenth day of the seventh moon in the first year of the reign of Queen Rodenos. At the moment we're on our way back to the camp of the Eptos tribe because we've just scored a great victory and stolen back the crown that the Meleesa had stolen from them. Ksep is happy because he thinks the Meleesa are bad guys but the rest of just think they're all the same and none of them have had a bath ever. Anyway Keo says it is time to go to the party now and \I'm running out of ink.
It is a few weeks since my first diary entry. We had a good time celebrating with the tribesmen and I finally managed to bathe in a mountain stream which was very cold and not at all what a lady is used to! I think this being a mercenary is not such a good idea as your employer gets rid of you as soon as there is no battle to be fought. When we were guardsmen we just had to stand around in slightly out-of-date uniforms looking stern. Now if we don't actually do any fighting in a week or two they ask us to depart and kindly consume no more of the tribe's food and beer only they weren't anything like as polite about it as that. They don't seem very grateful. Maybe it is Ksep's curse that is to blame. I didn't hear the exact words but Keo says it was something like may you never find shelter from the storm which must be one of those metaphor things that the Grammatikos kept beating me for getting wrong because it hasn't rained in months.
Anyway because the tribe were a bunch of ungrateful and unwashed barbarians we had to move on again. We managed to find a couple of merchant caravans to protect but they are very stingy and not at all generous like noblemen are supposed to be which is probably why they are rich merchants and not poor landowners. Still, we have been exploring the Valley of the Beasts and have seen all sorts of marvellous creatures. I still think Kedros are pretty cool what with the big spikes and everything but Keo says I am a fool and anyone can see that the Wild Seleekos which are hunting beasts are far more noble. I think we should have a fight between our favourites and I'd bet him three gold coins that my Kedros stomps his Wild Seleekos into small scarlet Seleekos pancakes.
Ksep says that we should try to cross the mountains and go into the Kingdom of Epethros where they worship Ssfayee the Serpent but I think the mountains look jolly cold. He says that we may be able to get employed by the King there but given what happened to the last one who employed us I think he'd have to be mad to hire us. Spasmos just grunts and Treemoss is happy to go anywhere so long as he hasn't been there. It is alright for trees to get covered in snow in summer I suppose but where am I going to get fashionable winter clothes in the middle of this wilderness?
Well we went over the mountains like Ksep said and I had to make do with a big coat made from riding Kavala feathers which I even had to make myself. It is a good job I listened when they were teaching us sewing and it wasn't too shabby because I managed to get some different coloured feathers to make it look presentable. Keo laughed at me again but I notice he stopped laughing when we were sleeping in the high pass and his nose and probably other bits were turning blue and I was wrapped up in my nice warm and fashionable feather cloak. I was a bit worried at first that it wouldn't be the fashion where we were going but Treemoss told me something really clever. He said that anybody really stylish coming into a new city doesn't have to follow the local fashion because she'll be so beautiful and unusual that all the ladies will follow her. This is a really good point and I think Treemoss might be a philosopher and I'm sorry I said he might be a bit mad earlier. At least he doesn't laugh at me like Keo or look baffled like Ksep always does. If Ksep had looked less baffled when I told him the prince was wearing old clothes he might have figured out the plot and we might not be up to our ears in snow.
Oh I forgot to mention the giant man-eating flytraps that we met in the valley. They look like creepers and things but they grab hold of you and try to stick planty bits in you and suck out your insides and Treemoss had to give them a very stern talking to to make them let go of the merchant we were supposed to be protecting. We did see a giant wasp caught in one of them and that made us all feel a lot better.
While we were riding along that road Keo looked very nervous and I think it has something to do with the very faint smell of cinnamon in the air that he pretends he can't smell. He wouldn't tell me what's wrong but it has something to do with a big nasty that lives in the hills that I'm not supposed to know about, but we went past that valley and the smell went away.
Anyway we crossed the mountains by the High Pass because we found a merchant who wanted to be escorted from Eperkos to Sarkeelos which is where we are now. His name was Tokseesos and I didn't like him very much because he was greasy and fat and seemed to think that escort meant the other sort of escort like you get in cities. And he made us dig his cart out of the snow and didn't help and just sat watching like a great blubbery metakeenos. We've been in Sarkeelos for a while now. It is the first day of the first moon in the second year of the reign of Queen Rodenos (the unfashionable) and I think we should have moved down into the valley where it snows less and the wind doesn't keep blowing your skirt up around your ears.
We made our triumphant entry into Sarkeelos a few months ago and got shot of Tokseesos as quickly as we could and I found that \there were hot baths in Sarkeelos but they were holy springs and things that pilgrims come to bathe in and so forth, so I signed up with the temple of Ssfayee as a pilgrim which cost a copper coin but meant I could get in for a good soak. I felt better after that and Treemoss did too even they threw him out for growing tendrils and roots in a vile and obscene and blasphemous display of heresy.
I definitely think Treemoss is a philosopher because he was right about my feather cloak. Even though it was filthy when I arrived there were soon lots of admirers around (I don't think pilgrims are allow to travel with wives or anything) and the local women were quite jealous, especially the ones who charged, and soon Spasmos and I were making more money from supplying fashionable winter clothes than we were from the horrible boring guard duties traipsing around after pilgrims that Ksep kept making us do. We even hired a few seamstresses to sew for us and I'm not sure I want to know where Spasmos got all the feathers from.
We think we'll stay around here for a few months escorting guarding pilgrims while the snows are bad and they maybe move down the valley towards Rizogalo which is a silly name for a city but that's where the summer pilgrims will be staying. I found out that Sarkeelos is supposed to be the place where the divine serpent Ssfayee first bit the earth, which is why there are two big craters surrounded by yellow ick that smell REALLY bad and have hot steam boiling out of them all the time. I think it must be a pretty silly snake who goes around biting the earth but that's not as silly as the pilgrims who have to go into the craters and pray for hours. At least Ksep only makes one of us go in to the crater with them each time.
We've been doing so well at this guarding business that we've taken on a few extra people. We decided we'd better have some rules for new people because they aren't all honest ex-guardsmen and they seem to want lots of loot. i thought this would be a bit dull to put into my diary but Keo thought it would be a good idea and told Ksep and so I have to write it all down now as he dictates so don't blame me if it is all longwinded and priesty.
It was decided that a new person joining had to come with us on at least three missions and had to have fought with us at least once before we would consider his candidature in the Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guard. (See what I mean- pompous or what?)
Membership is decided by a secret vote of all the members who are present and at least half of all the members must be present at the meeting. Each member shall bring with him a small stone or pebble. and shall walk past a large container or bowl. If he approves the candidate he shall place his stone in the container. At the end the stones shall be counted and compared with the number of members present and if no more than two members have failed to approve the candidate he shall be admitted into the Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guard. (I said it would be simpler to use different coloured rocks or two containers but they said that would let everyone know who had voted against but I think that's silly because you could put a cover over the bowl or use a jug but what do I know?)
Each member shall be entitled to a full share of the loot for any mission in which he is involved and a half share of the loot from any mission in which he doesn't participate.
There will be eight positions of command within the Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guard, to wit (he's turning into a owl you know) the swordmaster, the chaplain, the engineer, the sorceror, the quartermaster, the sergeant, the lieutenant and the captain. Each position shall carry with the award of an extra full share for all missions regardless of participation save th captain who gets four extra shares. A member may hold more than one office. (This is just a trick so we get money while the newcomers do all the work I reckon).
The position of Captain shall be selected by majority vote of at least two thirds of the brigade (I got fed up of writing all that other stuff and my inkpot isn't bottomless you know). The Captain can be removed by a unanimous vote of at least two thirds of the brigade.
The position of Sorceror must be given to a sorceror and each is responsible for finding his own replacement.
The Captain appoints the other officers,
The chain of command is as follows: Captain Lieutenant Sergeant (in military matters) and Quartermaster (in matters of logistics or politics) Swordmaster (in military matters) and Engineer (in matters of logistics or defence) and Chaplain (in other matters) The sorceror is outside the chain of command but is answerable to the Captain and considered to rank equal to the Lieutenant except where magical matters are concerned where he outranks all but the Captain.
These rules may only be changed by the unanimous vote of at least two thirds of the brigade.
At first meeting of the brigade, Ksep was voted in as Captain and he selected me (Thracie) as Sergeant and Quartermaster which means I'm almost in charge of everything as he didn't name a lieutenant. I think Ksep was playing a joke or something. Keo is the sorceror of course (he was the one who put in all that legal stuff so no-one could order him around) and Spasmos is the swordmaster which is a good job because if he wasn't he'd probably have walked off and then where would we be? Kopto is the engineer because he knows about stone-working and stuff. Ksep said he'd be the chaplain as well because he's a priest but probably he just wants more loot and he'd have called himself lieutenant as well if he thought he'd get away with it. I think it wasn't fair that Treemoss didn't get a position- we could have had a philosopher or recruiting sergeant in charge of trees (we've got at least six new member trees but Ksep says they are only honorary members so we don't have to leave piles of gold around their roots which would be silly since trees can't walk to the shops although I suppose they could ask Treemoss to buy them manure or something).
It was further agreed that someone can only be removed from the brigade by a unanimous vote of at least two thirds of the brigade although they may resign at any point except when on a mission. The penalty for betraying the brigade is death (which I think Ksep put in just to sound scary).
The members swear this oath: I swear to honour my brothers and sisters of the Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guard, to fight at their side, to defend them as they will defend me, to support no outsider against the interests of the brigade, to give whatever is asked of me, even my life, to obey the orders of the officers of the brigade and the Captain of the brigade whatever those orders might be, to honour the eight deaths and Ohros the Pale whose wisdom brought the brigade into being and whose sword guides us still.
Which we all did although Somba, one of our new members, was drunk and giggled a couple of times which spoiled the effect a bit. I think it was a bit rich putting in that last bit about the god but Ksep wrote it so he's probably just pretending that it was destiny and not a screw-up. It is the third year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (the not-very-pretty) and we've been doing quite well at this mercenary and guard duty lark. I've been able to afford a load of new clothes and have even got a small house in Rizogalo next to the baths. The fashions here are not as refined as they were at home and the in thing is a really long pleated white skirt for women which keeps tripping you up on the parade ground so I am wearing shorter skirts which sadly are definitely not on the fashion scene but at least I can change in the evenings when we are dining out which we can afford to do quite a lot. I've met a lot of the nobles and priests who are mostly a pretty oily lot but there are some nice ones and the prince of Nekra was here recently and he's quite dishy but Ksep said i had to be diplomatic which I was being and who minds having a leg up the skirt at a formal dinner anyway that's half the fun.
Spasmos has been having a great time training all the new recruits- there are over thirty of us now and I get money even when all I've done is shouted at people while Spasmos shows them how to fight. I haven't had to go up the valley to the horrible craters in months! It is a good job being a sergeant. I'm not so sure about being the quartermaster even though I get to spend lots of money on clothes it is all silly uniforms and things which Ksep insists should be what we wore when we in the guards but that's plain silly because the guard uniforms changed every couple of years and we'd probably look about as fashionable in Galadiahos as a Kavala wearing pink stockings! Still he says it is good for discipline and I have to be subtle and sneaky when I order the tailors to make them a bit more fashionable. Keo refuses to wear his and |it is a really hard job to get a tailor to make a uniform for Spasmos and Treemoss keeps splitting his apart at the seams. Anyway it doesn't look too bad because these shortish skirts are coming back in and red is always a good colour for soldiers it makes you look all tough and scary. I think the feathers on the helmets look totally silly though.
Oh I forgot to mention that we finally worked out how to deal with Navagos' haunting demoness. Ksep eventually worked out that the god's dream meant we had to lock the demoness up in a circle of flowers so we did that up in the mountains miles from Sarkeelos where nobody goes. I hope nothing decides to have a daffodil for breakfast or anything because a ring of flowers doesn't seem like much of a prison to me.
Ha ha ha! I told you so! Ksep and Keo thought I was stupid playing up to the Prince of Nekra but he kept coming back and eventually he hired us supposedly to guard the sacred temples against a bunch of Sathros scum who have been stealing and burning them but I know why he really wanted our brigade and not another one.
Spasmos says he's never been so happy what with literally hundreds of new people to train (although they are all useless if you ask me as they can't even march straight and even I could do that from my first day in the guards) and he gets to fight Sathros who he says are all Estastis worshippers but I think is just an excuse. Even Ksep has been smiling a lot since we are official guards again, sort of, and get to fight lots of Sathros which he hates. I'm not so sure why he's really happy guarding another god's temples but he says it is all to do with the doctrine of non-disturbance and other complicated things that he says I wouldn't understand but I think he's not so sure about himself.
I have been quite a hit in court as Prince Thokano has a detachment of the brigade as his guard escort now. I designed our parade uniforms because I told Ksep we can hardly guard the royalty of Epethros dressed as the honour guard of Galadiahos now can we? They are quite close fitting and I managed to get a cut price for the bronze breastplates which look a little bit too anatomical but then it is always wiser to intimidate ones rivals with the perfection of one's anatomy, isn't it? I kept the feathers in the helms because Treemoss says they are our distinguishing feature which is right as no-one else is willing to make himself look like a Kavala's bottom. Still, Propetisma is boiling with jealously and I think the military look might just be in in the court of Nekra next year.
Oh I forgot it is the fourth year of the reign of Queen Rodenos (the still unmarried after all this time and who can be totally surprised about that?). Oh dear I forgot all about my diary until now, I just found it in the bottom of my box in the royal apartments. I'd better write down all that's happened over the last few years.
I had a glorious year-long fling with the Prince of Nekra who is still very handsome but whose wife won't let him near me any more even though we're still officially his honour guard but we've been doing some pretty unhonourable things lately which is why Ksep stepped down as Captain. He finally decided that just being ordered to do something didn't mean it was the right thing to do which is right of course but if the pay is good I say so what? Lots of people thought that Seneethea would be the new captain but I've never liked her and it turned out that nobody else did and Kopto got elected and Seneethea stormed off and quit the company and has been making our lives hell for the last few years.
Anyway, we are at full strength now, two hundred and fifty people. A few have left but mostly we seem to keep people once they've joined which I think is because of all the money we get paid but Keo and Treemoss say is because of the oath and the feeling of brotherhood and what do I know? I am still sergeant and quartermaster and I get to design the uniforms now and the only thing Kopto has insisted on is that we keep the feathers because they're our brigade badge. We usually wear red skirts too.
We've been doing various military jobs in and around Nekra like guarding granaries from hungry peasants and that sort of thing, a lot of shit jobs which Seneethea and the Prince's wife keep fobbing us off with. We even get booed around town and I've had to order that no-one goes into the market on his own in uniform which kind of spoils the effect. I can't even go to the baths without another three or for brigade members which certainly cramps one's style. It is a good job the Prince still pays well because the men are pretty sick of being bully boys. I hope Thokano gets a divorce soon.
Oh its probably just into the tenth year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (the pink-stockinged).
Bastard Prince got divorced alright and married that bitch Seneethea. All fucking hell broke loose and we were sent in as front line grunts to put the rebellion down. Killing young boys who're fighting you with three sticks lashed together to make a sword isn't my idea of honourable honour guard duty.
We lost nearly a third of the brigade in these so called pacification actions.
Eventually the brigade split. The thugs and bully boys stayed in Thokano's service beating up the old women and raping the young ones. Ksep was so sickened that he left before the worst of it and he was right. I wish he'd still been captain because Kopto hesitated too long because we were still under contract. Thank all the gods that Keo and Treemoss and I eventually persuaded him that Thokano had already broken our contract by ordering us away from him to beat up helpless grandfathers instead of guarding his person like we'd contracted. We're well out of that hellhole. Ksep probably had the right idea because I think he crossed back over the mountains and was going to turn his shrine into a monastery. I hope he got there alright.
Anyway Spasmos and I pulled the operational part of the brigade out while Kopto was wrestling with his conscience. We got them to take off their feathers and join the peasants in attacking the granary we'd been defending. I hope Thokano's got plenty of grain stored in the palace because there's not much left for him in the royal storehouses.
We basically has to flee the country pursued by the army with our own ex- brigade members in the vanguard. We'll be just a little more careful over who we recruit in future I think. We ended up in Malono, which is a big port and under the rule of the King of Epethros directly. I don't think we're going to have time to do more than lick our wounds here because despite what Kopto thinks I think Thokano and Seneethea are going to have us hounded out of the kingdom, treaty or no treaty.
We appointed Promethea as chaplain in Ksep's place because I think the brigade needs a conscience. Maybe she'll be able to keep Kopto away from the really dodgy contracts in future. She's an exile from Galadiahos as well, but I gather that was something to do with not agreeing to marry the ugly old metakeenos of a man that she was supposed to and I quite agree, though I don't think I'd have tried the priesthood first because everyone knows that the priests are secondary to the politicians and nobles in Galadiahos. Anyway, her patron is Tomeea, the Death of the Swords, which Spasmos says is far more suitable as a mercenary chaplain than a priest of the scholars but I think someone a bit less martial might be wiser but what do I know?
It is now the twentieth day of the eighth moon of the eleventh year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (the possibly blind because she married that oaf Fagas) of Galadiahos.
Kopto has just made me lieutenant, which means I am now in charge of everybody under him which I was before because I was sergeant and quartermaster and there wasn't a lieutenant but there we go. Spasmos is the sergeant now which I suppose makes sense though his voice isn't as loud as mine and he needs to practice his insults,
I am still the quartermaster but I don't have any time for quartermastering and we're all still wearing the blood-stained uniforms we wore marching out of Nekra. I guess most of us do and don't want to forget and somehow we need to do something to clean the uniforms and I don't mean just washing them. I will make sure when the mood of the men is right that we get new ones on order. I think I'll keep the old feathers though just to remind us.
Kopto has signed us up to manual labour which sounds beneath us but actually is just what most of the men need right now. Unloading boxes of fruit may not be royal palace guarding but it isn't cutting up pregnant women either. Even Spasmos hasn't touched a sword in months except to sharpen them. Still, Keo and I think that we've done just about enough hauling and lifting and it is time to look for a proper job as we can't afford to keep the equipment up to scratch. Humping crates builds muscles but you start to forget how to move.
Kopto has just been in my room and told me that he's negotiated some guard duties for us as supplemental watchman, which sounds alright but I hope we don't have to do any strongarm stuff on grandfathers smuggling moonshine into the city. I hope it doesn't tie us down to much as I gather that the bastard and the bitch are back in charged of Nekra now and the streets run with blood and it is being done by our ex-brothers and sisters. At least we expelled them officially. The world doesn't care but we do.
There are only a hundred and ten of us now. Well , I was right. It is now the twelfth year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (the ungrateful) of Galadiahos and the brigade has been forced out of the Kingdom of Epethros altogether by the fury of the Prince and Princess of Nekra. We took ship from Malono to Zaketa in the lands ruled by the priests of Ohia the Viper. We've been finding lots of small guard duty jobs, lots of riverboats need protecting from pirates and savages in the wild desert lands to the west. We've even signed up some new brigade members from the men and women who fought with us at the granary though it is barely enough to replace those killed on guard duties. I think I'll persuade Kopto to send more men on each mission and charge a flat rate for the guard duty rather than charging per man as the merchants are all mean and try to get away with too few to really defend the boats.
Keo has been acting very mysterious lately which is odd since he swears that the Berdevo have never had anything to do with this part of the world. I think |I've smelt a faint breath of stale cinnamon in the winds a few times. It wouldn't surprise me if Keo was to go off on a monster hunt. I hope he's got the sense to ask me or Spasmos first so we can order some men to go with him. He'd better not ask Kopto because there's no profit it in. I don't think Kopto ever really got his heart into the oath but I think it is the thing that has kept us together. When you're a thousand and one miles from home and you can never go back at least you have your friends around you and know that they've all sworn to die rather than let you down it helps keep us all alive and sane.
It is very hot and dusty here, even more than in Epethros. I finally got some new uniforms done for us and I think everyone was secretly relieved when I ordered us to strip, bathe and burn the old ones before putting the new ones on. This place is pretty backwards and has a number of customs which are a bit obscene but at least they bathe regularly which is more than can be said for the nobility of Nekra. The priests of Ohia are a nasty lot though, and quite a lot of the important ones are Svika and they seem to be a sinister lot. I've told the men to watch out for them and don't talk too freely in the baths where they serve wine which is certainly not civilized and sometimes people are sick in the baths which is just plain disgusting no matter what the local customs are and it is a good job it isn't all one big bath like at home. It is the fifteenth year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (who never quite got over the stretch marks apparently, poor dear) of Galadiahos. The brigade has just been awarded a very prestigious contract, to defend the temples and sacrificial offerings to the God. Kopto is pleased because the contract is worth lots of money and at least it will let me buy in plenty of new stores and get some new swords made which Spasmos says we're in dire need of. I'm not so sure, I don't trust the priests, especially not Olopseehos who is too friendly and looks at me and licks his lips which is not a very priestly gesture and besides I know what Ksep kept in there. I've heard that some of them use it in place of the lower one and that sounds sick to me. I usually keep a knife under my pillow but here I sleep with one strapped to each arm.
Most of the men are quite relieved because the pay is better and the risk is smaller and they won't get attacked by all those loathsome beasties and hideous monsters that they found in the desert. Personally I'd rather face a slathering giant spitting cobra with fangs dripping ichor than not be able to sleep in case a svika priest decides if he can't have me no-one will and sending an assassin with dagger dripping ichor to do me in but what do I know?
The next problem is the bureaucrats. Some of these people have had the same job since they were sixteen and now they are sixty (people live a long time so long as they don't get stabbed in the back) and they have nothing to do all day but make life difficult for foreigners and inferiors and anyone else who disturbs their sleep. Trying to get the company wages out of them takes days of traipsing around from temple to palace to another temple to administrative building 86 Beta and back again and then you go to the mint and they give it to you all in copper and laugh when you ask if someone can help you carry it all and you stagger out with a dozen sacks and some wit decides to trip you up but he'll never sit down again thanks to Louzo's curse of piles (he is Keo's pupil by the way although he used to be a guttersnipe in Nekra). Next time I go with a detachment of twenty men with bloody feathers and itchy scabbards and see how long it takes then.
It's funny, but we'd been here nearly four years before I figured out that the whole place is supposedly ruled by the Viper Queen who sits on the Nepherite throne (which is supposed to be a venomous greeny-yellow colour) wearing the orange and yellow snakeskins of state (is it blasphemous to wonder about the colour sense of a goddess?).
I've never seen her and I don't know anyone else who has either. There is a palace but it seems to be run by the priests and the bureaucrats and the lackeys with a bit of interference from the odd noble from the country who decides to make a bit of trouble for his neighbours when he's in town. Keo says that it is called a Matriarchal Oligarchic Theocracy but I think he made that up, What's the point in being queen if you don't get to strut your stuff at balls and parties and royal galas and boat shows and plays and dances so on?
That's another thing, they don't do proper dancing here, it is all formal and if you shake your hips too much nobody will speak to you all evening. It is a good thing the priests haven't tried to go over my mind or anything or they'd find that the only god round here I've got much respect for is Spatlos the Extravagant who at home we thought of as a bit of a fool but who here is the witty rake who subverts the formality of the court (that's Treemoss' phrase by the way) and these stupid non-dancing dances that are more like parades except at parade you don't have to pretend to be a Kavala and look stupid. I've even been to a temple for a quick rite of worship (well alright a party) and it is more than great fun there's a real edge to it because the priests have such a grip on this place. Kopto seems at home at court. Treemoss and I prefer the Spatlos boogie.
Speaking of Treemoss, Ksep was stupid not to take on Treemoss' friends as full members. Trees don't think as fast as us but they do know about things and can tell you when a man walked over their roots in the darkness and all sorts of other things. You just have to be really clever when you talk to them so I leave that to Keo and Louzo. I get the feeling that shovelling those bags of manure around certain tree roots might be a better investment than all the bribes we have to slip to stinking bureaucrats.
I am so tired. It is the fifteenth day of the third moon in the seventeenth year of Queen Rodenos of Galadiahos. The shit came down a few days ago, the day when Ohia the Viper came down to the city of Zaketa to collect her tribute and found it gone.
Needless to say, we were the dupes standing outside the temple guarding the huge piles of food and gold and gems and jewels and other offerings.
Needless to say, the priests had pulled a fast one and arranged to have the loot stolen by secret tunnels that we'd have found out about if we'd still had an engineer (we never replaced Kopto when he became captain).
Guess whose head the goddess bit off first? Not the high priest, no. He was unavoidably delayed when his ceremonial chariot threw a wheel in the dawn parade on the way through the gates of gold to get to the temple. Not the other [priests, of course, who were bound by tradition to follow behind the chariot.
Not the Viper Queen, poor drugged little doxy, sitting on her throne doped up to her eyeballs and asking is she could have some more sweets.
Not the bureaucrats who lined the way to the temple.
No, it was the Captain of the fucking Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guards who'd gone into the temple with twenty good men to see what the noise was about when the goddess appeared and found her temple empty and no high priest to unlock her door and started trashing the place.
Guess who got blamed by the populace when the goddess went away ended handed? The priests who'd stolen the lot? The bureaucrats who'd taken the bribes to look th other way? Or the guards who'd foolishly assumed that someone paying them to prevent the loot getting stolen wasn't about to steal the stuff themselves?
Anyway Kopto's dead and we're on a boat we stole in the docks. I'm hoping that we'll be able to pull off a lightning raid on Bakses, sack a couple of temples and sail east along the coast. It is a long time since we left and maybe we can sneak back home now.
Treemoss has just come into my cabin and says that the fuckers have voted me as Captain. It is a good job he's my friend or I'd make him do lots of shit jobs but it probably wasn't really his fault. Apparently Selas proposed me and no-one voted against me, which I think probably surprised Selas as he probably expected them to say No, vote for Selas instead. I think I'll make him my lieutenant so i can keep an eye on the little scumbag. Don't want him wandering around without a leash. Should have vetoed him when I had the chance.
I think Keezato will make a good quartermaster. I think he used to be a merchant before he signed up with us and he certainly has an eye for a rotten aubergine slipped in with th good ones. I'm not sure I'll let him design the uniforms though. I need a couple of people I trust and Keezato and Spasmos and I have saved each other's lives so often I have to trust them.
We need an official engineer too. If we'd had one we might have spotted the secret tunnels. Teeksos used to be a carpenter, we can start off with him and get him trained if we ever get to somewhere where they aren't after our arses.
Tomorrow morning I'll get everyone on deck and make them swear never to take service to the priests of Ohia the Viper ever again.
It is now the eighteenth year of the rule of Queen Rodenos of Galadiahos and who'd have thought the cow would have turned out such a good queen?
I am Thracie the Captain of the Exiled Red Brigade of the Rainbow Guard. The brigade is now in service to a number of unwashed barbarian hordes who despite being uncivilized are honest, pay their bills and don't stab you in the back.
We put in briefly at Limanos and sent people in undercover for supplies and so forth. We were on the verge of voting to try to sneak back into the kingdom as it seems to be enjoying a golden era of peace, but then someone spotted Spasmos and me on the boat and recognized us even though it has been nearly two decades since we were exiled and we got a royal command that permitted us to repair and refit but then kindly get the hell out of my kingdom. Some of the men were for sneaking anyway and some wanted to try Epethros again but in the end we voted to go North into the plains. The children of Kavalarees may not be the cleanest people on earth but while you fight for them you are of their tribe and by their god they'll stand or fall with you.
I don't seem to remember to do my diaries and I never seem to know what to write anymore anyway so I'm going to ask Keezato to write a history of the brigade for me and he can put these pages in with his. I think it helps to have a record of what goes on so the new captain won't make the same mistakes as Kopto or me. It is probably better to get an honest opinion of my screw-ups as well so better Keezato writes it than me or I'll do a Ksep and start writing about divine providence when I've just screwed up.
Keo's gone. He caught some scent of stale cinnamon and just headed off into a rocky valley. No-one noticed he'd gone for a day or so and by then it was too late to find him. Still, he's been haunted by those monsters for twenty years so |I suppose I can't blame him, after all I still want to go home after all these years.
Louzo has officially taken over as Keo's replacement as Sorceror. Most of the men didn't want that because they thought we should wait for Keo to come back but I don't think we should be without a sorceror and besides I don't really think that he will be coming back.
I really screwed up this time. I had let that shit Selas ship his leash a little because I thought he was housetrained and he goes and signs some goddamned traitor contract so that half the company was signed up to fight the other half.
Louzo has told me that his curse will follow Selas night and day but I'd feel a lot better if I'd just been able to hack his head off and be done with it. We're never going to get any commissions now because we didn't fight. After all the oath forbids it: to support no outsider against the interests of the brigade.
We're in Stavrotos nowadays, crossroads of the world as the self-important puffnecks like to call themselves. Shame Onomazo got broke after we'd won him a kingdom but you can't hold it against him he really did pay us every penny even before he paid himself. You'll know all about that from Keezato's history anyway.
For what it is worth it is the twenty-fourth year of the rule of Queen Rodenos (who is now called The Great by everybody, even me) of Galadiahos.
Last modified 12 Sept 1998
Questions or comments to: Hywel Phillips