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- See magazines condensed to their 70-71 content !!

January 2001

Room 101

Bob Rating : BB

Last week's edition of the comedy progamme in which Paul Merton questions personalities about their pet hates had an unexpected reference to a Bob 70-71 player. The premise of the programme is that we all have something which we hate so much that over exposure to it will cause our will to break, and is based on the psychological torture room from George Orwell's novel, '1984'. Stoke City fan, Nick Hancock was the original presenter, until Paul Merton took over.

Sanjeev Bhaskar, most famous for the fabulous comedy sketch show, 'Goodness Gracious Me', selected Alan Ball for the room ! The reason was in fact nothing other than a completely irrational fear Sanjeev developed for Alan when a boy. Alan was likened to Darth Vader and called the embodyment of pure evil ! There was a clip of Alan being interviewed in the 72-73 season. Paul was convinced by Sanjeev's argument and Alan was dropped through the Room 101 hatch.

Trainspotting

Screenplay by John Hodge based on an Irvine Welsh novel.

Bob Rating : BB

What a great film ! 'Trainspotting' is about a bunch of Scottish mates who have chosen heroin addiction against life and was given another airing on Channel 4 in the UK last week. What I hadn't remembered about the film was the rich vein of football references.

There's a reason a nation as small as Scotland has reached the World Cup Finals so often. and it is no coincidence either that many of the top English team managers over the years are Scottish. Football is in the nation's blood. This classic film which analyses Scottishness in a perceptive, humourous, and irreverent way, compares George Best's career with Sean Connery's and Archie Gemmill's (Preston North End) 1978 World Cup goal to post-orgasmic well being.

Here's clip's of the relevant moments in the script, which I found thanks to Espen's TRAINSPOTTING site

George Best

EXT. PARK. DAY
Typical weather, neither good nor bad. The park is nondescript and
green with a few bushes. This is not Kew Gardens. Renton and Sick Boy
appear, wearing cheap sunglasses.
Renton is carrying a battered old cassette player and a carry-out in a
plastic bag.
Sick Boy is carrying a small, tatty suitcase from Oxfam.
They scan the horizon and give each other the nod. They walk towards the
bushes.
RENTON (voice-over): The downside of coming off junk was that I knew I would
need to mix with my friends again in a state of full consciousness. It was
awful, they reminded me so much of myself I could hardly bear to look at them.
Take Sick Boy, for instance, he came off junk at the same time as me, not because
he wanted to, but just to annoy me, just to show me how easily he could do
it, thereby downgrading my own struggle. Sneaky f****r, don't you think? And
when all I wanted to do was lie alone and feel sorry for myself, he insisted
on telling me once again about his unifying theory of life.
EXT. PARK. DAY
Seen through the telescopic sight of an air rifle that wanders over various
potential targets (children, pensioners, couples, gardeners, etc.)
SICK BOY: It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.
RENTON: What do you mean?
SICK BOY: Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's
gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it.
Or David Bowie or Lou Reed...
RENTON: Some of his solo stuff's not bad.
SICK BOY: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you
kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just shite.
RENTON: So who else?
SICK BOY: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley...
RENTON: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?
EXT. PARK. DAY
Sick Boy rests the gun down.
SICK BOY: All I'm trying to do is help you understand that The Name of
The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward
trajectory.
RENTON: What about The Untouchables?
SICK BOY: I don't rate that at all.
RENTON: Despite the Academy Award?
SICK BOY: That means f*** all. The sympathy vote.
RENTON: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is
that it?
SICK BOY: Yeah.
RENTON: That's your theory?
SICK BOY: Yeah. Beautifully f*****g illustrated.
RENTON: Give me the gun.

Archie Gemmill

I'll set the scene a bit here ...

Three couples have just arrived at their respective homes having been out together at a nightclub.

Renton and Dianne, Gail and Spud, Tommy and Lizzy.

Earlier in the film, Renton had swopped covers of an intimate (!) video of Tommy and Lizzy with that of '101 Great Goals' , and then borrowed the pornographic video of the couple without Tommy realising.

Meanwhile, Gail had inflicted a six week abstinence on Spud. But, Gail had decided tonight was the night ...

INT. TAXI. NIGHT
Renton and Diane kiss passionately in the back.

EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Spud is pushed against the wall held my his lapels. He drinks from a
bottle of beer in one hand.
GAIL: Do you understand?
Spud nods drunkenly. Gail releases her grip.
GAIL: I expect you to be a considerate and thoughtful lover, generous but
firm. Failure on your part to live up to these very reasonable expectations
will result in swift resumption of our non-sex situation. Right?
Spud drinks from a bottle in the other hand and says nothing but does not
look too happy.

INT. TOMMY'S FLAT. NIGHT
Tommy and Lizzy kiss while Tommy unlocks the door.

INT. DIANE'S HOME, HALLWAY. NIGHT
In a darkened suburban hallway, the door opens and two figures enter.
RENTON: Diane.
DIANE: Shhh!
RENTON: Sorry.
DIANE: Shut up.
They walk through another door and close it behind them.

INT. TOMMY'S FLAT. NIGHT
Tommy and Lizzy kiss against the inside of the door, taking their outer
clothes off.

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
Diane throws a condom on the bed. Renton looks at her. They undress.

INT. GAIL'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
Spud is lying unconscious on the bed. Gail stands over him.
GAIL: Wake up, Spud. Wake up. Sex.
She kicks him. He moans.
GAIL: Casual sex.
She kicks him again. He moans again.
GAIL: So let's see what I'm missing.

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
Renton lies on his back while Diane rides above him.

INT. GAIL'S BEDROOM, NIGHT
Gail throws Spud's clothes to the floor and throws a blanket over him.
GAIL: Not much.
She shuts out the light.

INT. TOMMY'S FLAT. NIGHT
Tommy and Lizzy now lie on the bed in a state of semi-undress.
LIZZY: Tommy, let's put the tape on.
TOMMY: Now?
LIZZY: I want to watch ourselves while we're sc*****g.
TOMMY: F***, OK.
Tommy gets up and reaches into the row of videos on the floor. He lifts out
Tommy and Lizzy, Vol. 1 and hastily shoves it into the video.
Tommy sits back on the bed with the remote control and presses play as
Lizzy kisses him.
His face registers consternation.
On the television, Archie Gemmill scores his famous goal against Holland
in 1978.

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
Diane and Renton climax together.
Diane immediately climbs off and wraps herself in a robe.
RENTON: I haven't felt that good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.
DIANE: You can't sleep here.
RENTON: What?
DIANE: Out.
RENTON: Come on.
DIANE: No argument. You can sleep on the sofa in the living room or go home.
It's up to you.
She pushes him out of the room and hands him his clothes.
RENTON: Jesus!
DIANE: And don't make any noise.
She shuts the door. He pulls the condom off.

INT. TOMMY'S FLAT. NIGHT
The lights are full on now. Lizzy sits on the bed clutching a blanket
around herself.
Tommy hops around in his underwear, searching desperately.
All the videos are opened and scattered everywhere.
LIZZY: What do you mean, it's gone? Where has it gone, Tommy?
TOMMY: It'll be here somewhere. I might've returned it by mistake.
LIZZY: Returned it? To the video shop, Tommy? To the f*****g video
shop? So every punter in Edinburgh is j*****g off to our video? God,
Tommy, I feel sick.

See more January 2001 news at the following ...

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