Bournemouth

Swirly nexus of AP-flanking mighty being activity; a sort of Exmouth for the 90s. If you were in Bournemouth in the last several eras, perhaps as part of a lengthened mystery or a grave-defying corpse-related legion, chances are you bumped scattily into one or more AP folk in their capacity of absorbing education, scuffing along in the plastering winds with their trousers rolled up, or setting fire to things.

It is Bournemouth, for instance, that we have to thank for Cam Winstanley's oft-hinted-at powers of pyrotechnical wrangling and prop construction (as exemplified by dinoramas, sinister apparatus, battles beyond the stars and storyboard flashery). "I learnt everything from Bournemouth," explains the international movie mogul and top-hatted landlord in an exclusive interview conducted by AP2 on the pier, "and in return I am bound merely to a negligible quota of accident-disguised liquidations."

"Silence the inquisitive meddlers," adds Martin Axford, alerting proximate denizens with a cupping howl. We wrap up the interview with defensive gamp pokes and escape by concealed dinghy.

Attention was deftly diverted from Bournemouth by arranging for The Legendary Dunc Macdonald to wash up in a bottle in the breakers at Hastings instead. This left the various AP types to continue their plans securely in isolation.

IF YOU VISIT BOURNEMOUTH, DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON.